I think I just shat on a labrador.

As I sat on the white basin of water that was soon to collect the departing amorphous mess coming from my large intestine, I reached for customary toilet paper. At first I thought "Hmm, different toilet paper". It was soft to the touch, like a velvet palm tree. I sat and thought, this can only be but the demonic works of such a large cooperate brand like Andrex. I scanned the toilet roll packet next to my toilet and thus it was revealed. Handy toilet rolls and that adorable Labrador puppy.

Soon after this discovery, I began to wipe the pallet clean and respectively, flushed. Yet the thought of the Labador hindered my progress on the way to the shower. Why Andrex? Why must you associate cute puppy dogs with SHIT? That's got to be the most sick mascot I've ever seen. I wonder if they thought putting in a chocolate Labrador as their mascot would be too inappropriate? More to the point, why any objectively cute animal should be associated with human excrement is beyond me. Is it something to do with it being soft? If so, do you want me to feel the sensation of wiping my arse with Labrador fur? Is that the intended effect?

I quickly glanced at the puppy on the packaging, gazing infinitely at me as if to say "I didn't want this job. I was prostituted in to this business by the cooperate pimp"

So I said "Fuck you, get some counselling" and showered my toned body.

On an unrelated note, here's a picture of a sad black man. I like to think that the Andrex puppy was his.